My Story

Throughout my life I’ve battled depression, anxiety, self-harm, and addiction.
I’ve also survived near-fatal suicide attempts.

In 2023, I received an autism diagnosis, followed by an ADHD diagnosis in mid-2025. Both gave me a fresh insight into my identity, my creative abilities, and the obstacles I face.
I have been free of my two biggest demons, cocaine and vodka, for five years now, but I still struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

My salvation came from photography, writing, and enjoying the world around me. I find healing and connection through wild camping and landscape and nature photography. My photography and writing have become a way for me to express my feelings, allowing me to turn my pain into something positive.

If you’re facing similar difficulties, it’s important to know that you are not going through it alone.
Navigating depression, anxiety, self-harm, and the path to addiction recovery is difficult, but it is achievable; but only you can make it achievable.
I’m sharing my story in the hope that it can help anyone who feels alone or is going through the same.

Growing Up Feeling Different

Growing up, I was a shy kid and didn’t have much confidence. I always felt like I didn’t belong. But there was one place I did feel comfortable and full of confidence: on my bike.
I was always injuring myself, and occasionally suffered broken bones through taking risks, and my own stuppidity.
My dad was always repairing my bike or rushing me to the hospital, while my mum would be smacking the floor, while saying, “Naughty floor.”

School and Anxiety: A Difficult Combination

I struggled in school. The fundamentals of reading and writing were difficult in primary school, and high school didn’t offer much improvement.
High school was overwhelming and scary. The teachers frightened me, and now maths unexpectedly included letters, not just numbers.

Being outdoors was a joy, as was the feeling of freedom at twenty past three, when it was finally time to go home.
My school anxiety and learning difficulties, which I now realise were early warnings, but not fully understood until much later in life.

The Struggles of Addiction and Mental Health During Adolescence

My teenage years marked the beginning of a period of confusion.
During my late teens, I started going to pubs and nightclubs frequently. Although I hated crowds, I still hate crowds now. I’d rather be in a tent exposed to the elements and surrounded by the sounds of nature.
Anyway, back to the story. That’s when I began drinking and using drugs. They gave me a newfound confidence, but that confidence was just me living a lie.
In retrospect, they just made things worse.

In my early twenties, I attempted to stop both, but my anxiety and depression intensified at that point. That led me to self-harm to manage my emotions.
Some cuts were so deep they needed stitches.

Dealing with addiction, self-injury, and hitting rock bottom.

At twenty-five, and my lowest point in life so far, I began seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor.
I was prescribed antipsychotic medication; however, by this point I had mastered how to conceal my issues. Deceiving everyone. But most importantly, deceiving myself.
I stopped taking my meds and started self-medicating again, back on my two biggest demons, cocaine and vodka.

At twenty-eight, I took an overdose of over a thousand painkillers, including paracetamol and codeine.
Throughout my twenties and thirties, I met with many counselors and therapists, but I continued to self-medicate. I wasn’t ready to help myself.

Choosing Life Instead of Suicide: The Turning Point

My life took a new direction in 2020, when I was forty.
I scaled a fence, went onto the train tracks, and remained on the tracks for what felt like an eternity. The will to live and carry on had once again vanished.
Standing there, waiting for trains that never came, I felt like a total failure.
Once again, I tried to end my life, and once again I failed.

After a shortish walk, I passed the station platform.
The digital notice boards both displayed the same message: Train delayed.

That was the moment that changed everything.

Five Years of Recovery: The Journey Continues

In 2025, I will have been clean of my two biggest demons, cocaine and vodka, for five years.
Despite adhering to the prescribed meds, I still experience challenges, and I still encounter negative thoughts and visions during periods when I’m feeling low.

2023 brought with it an autism diagnosis, and in mid-2025, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
The diagnoses of autism and ADHD provided further clarification, aiding in the understanding of my restless energy, creative impulses, and challenges in maintaining focus.
Instead of a constraint, I view them both as perspectives that fuel curiosity and determination.

Healing Through Photography, Writing, and the Outdoors

This is where my enthusiasm for photography, writing, and the outdoors truly shines. Through photography, I can transform negative emotions into something positive, providing a sense of calm and tranquility, that often contrasts with my typical emotional state.
Writing, which I once found challenging during my school years, has developed and been a big part of my healing process.
They have all become a way for me to understand my experiences, and express my pain, as well as help me foster connections with others.

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain but to add colour to my sunset sky.”

Why I Share My Story

Through photography, Mother Nature and writing, I find a voice and a way to express myself. The confidence I once pursued through substances I now find in them, in a healthier way.
These things have become my emotional and mental release, demonstrating that healing is possible and within reach, if you want it.

As for addiction recovery, if ninety-nine percent of you wants to change, but one percent doesn’t, then you don’t want to change; you're not ready; it’s as simple as that.
That one percent will win every time over the majority every time.
You’ve got to be 100 percent focused on making the change.
It will be hard, you may even fall off the wagon once or twice. But you pick yourself up and go again.
Please believe me when I say this; if I can do it, you can do it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you're struggling as well, it’s important to seek a means of sharing your experiences and reaching out for help. It’s important to recognise that reaching out for help is actually a source of strength, not a weakness. Remember, if I can do it, so can you.