Addiction and Recovery Living With Autism, and ADHD — A Personal Story

For most of my life, a quiet sense of misalignment followed me — nothing dramatic or easily named, just a persistent feeling of being out of sync with the world around me.
Ordinary things carried more weight than they seemed to for other people: a tightness across the chest would arrive without warning, or a constant low hum of alertness, the sense that even small decisions required negotiation.
Sounds pressed in too close, expectations lingered too long, and thoughts rarely moved in straight lines.
Functioning inside that state became a skill: keep going, stay present, and carry the overwhelm privately.
Depression, anxiety, restlessness, and long stretches of numbness arrived not as crises, but as background conditions.

Early Misalignment

For a long time, effort seemed like the answer.
Applied properly — to work, hobbies, creativity — patience and focus would follow, but they never did.
The tighter I tried to grip them, the further away they slipped, until effort itself felt like another form of pressure.

Early on, disappearing in plain sight became second nature — eyes down, hands busy, waiting for moments to pass without drawing attention.
Confidence appeared only on my bike. There, things simplified; speed narrowed attention, and balance replaced hesitation.
Risks came easily, and consequences followed: cuts, bruises, and broken bones.
My dad grew used to fixing bent frames or driving me to the hospital.
My mum — frustrated, helpless, half-joking — would smack the floor as if it were responsible.

School and Attention

Sustained attention was something school demanded, and I struggled to supply it. Reading and writing faltered.
Maths made sense until it didn’t: numbers behaved predictably, then suddenly letters appeared in their place, and the familiar rules dissolved.
An equation that had once resolved neatly now asked me to rearrange symbols whose purpose felt arbitrary.
I remember staring at the page, aware of time passing, unable to locate the step everyone else seemed to take instinctively.
The same applied in every lesson apart from PE.
PE gave me a sense of freedom, while noisy, unpredictable classrooms amplified everything, and the teachers felt larger than the lessons they taught.
My day began at twenty past three, when it was time to go home.
Outside, things eased. Space helped. The reason didn’t matter — only the relief did.

Relief, Escape, and Consequence

In my late teens, that need for relief found another outlet: alcohol and drugs.
They softened edges and narrowed the world quickly, reducing it to something manageable.
For a time, they offered confidence — not because they changed who I was, but because they dulled the constant self-monitoring.

Crowds felt intolerable then, and they still do.
Even at my most social, open ground and quiet air held more appeal than noise and proximity.
Substances offered a shortcut — a compressed version of calm — but they demanded repetition in return.

In my early twenties, I tried to stop, though the taste still lingered on my tongue. Once the chemical buffers disappeared, anxiety closed in as physical pressure, and depression widened into something bottomless.
Self-harm regulated emotions that felt too large to contain.
Nothing about it felt dramatic.
It felt practical.
Some cuts ran deep enough to need stitches and left visible scars.
Each was an attempt to make internal pain visible and measurable.

Treatment and Concealment

At twenty-five, psychiatric appointments began, and medication followed.
On the surface, engagement appeared genuine; underneath, concealment sharpened.
I learned how to say the right things, how to sit still, how to describe improvement while quietly discarding tablets at home.
In reality, I wasn’t ready to help myself, and what returned instead were familiar solutions.
Cocaine and vodka — cold and harsh — slipped back into their usual places.

At twenty-eight, an overdose should have ended my life.
It didn’t.
Recovery from the overdose came; understanding did not.
Through my twenties and thirties, therapists, appointments, and attempts at change accumulated, but readiness never quite arrived.
Discomfort remained something to escape rather than stay with.

Interruption

In 2020, at age forty, I stood on the train tracks and waited.
The will to continue in life had drained away once again.
Time didn’t move forward — it spread out. Thought gave way to sensation: cold air, stone underfoot, and the absence of the sound I was braced for.
Long enough passed for expectation to thin into something quieter.

No trains came.

Climbing back over the fence, I walked past the platform. Both digital notice boards displayed the same message: Train delayed.
No sign revealed itself. No sense of being saved arrived.
Still, something loosened.
That moment stayed — not as an answer, but as an interruption — that was my turning point.

Recovery unfolded unevenly after that. By 2025, five years had passed without my two most destructive demons, cocaine and vodka.
Depression and anxiety remained; medication continued; tough days still arrived. The difference now was recognition rather than collapse.

Recognition and Language

In 2023, an autism diagnosis arrived. ADHD followed in mid-2025, alongside an
A-Level in understanding mental health.
For someone whose education had been defined by incomprehension, that recognition carried a quiet weight of its own.
Long before either diagnosis, the experiences were already familiar: days when attention settled so completely that hours slipped by unnoticed, and others when noise, movement, and demand piled up until even small decisions felt heavy.
The diagnosis didn’t change who I was.
They clarified the uneven terrain I’d been navigating for years, making the path ahead easier to read.

Attention, Landscape Photography, and Practice

I now spend more time outdoors. A camera often comes with me, sometimes in hand, sometimes fixed on a tripod while I wait.
Photography fixed nothing.
Calm didn’t arrive all at once, and some answers remain elusive.
What it does offer is somewhere steady for attention to rest.
Framing an image narrows the world without numbing it.
Waiting for the right moment to press the shutter revealed a patience I hadn’t known existed.
Often, the work amounted to remaining present long enough for something subtle to emerge.
Writing followed a similar course.
What once felt inaccessible became a way of organising experience — not explaining it away, but holding it long enough to understand.

Without conscious effort, open spaces settled my nervous system.
The land asked nothing, demanded nothing, and offered no reward for haste.
Pace slowed, and proof became unnecessary.

Staying

Confidence no longer comes from the deceptive rush of substances.
It grows through repetition and return — walking the same ground, breathing familiar air, showing up without expectation.
Healing isn’t a single decision, or a finished state. It’s a willingness to stay when nothing obvious is happening.

Some places ask nothing of us, and some days do the same.
I’m still learning to remain present in those moments — in landscapes, in recovery, and in myself — long enough for something quieter to take shape.