The Deer Who Absolutely Did Not Want To Be Caught.
I’m stood ‘ere in this sea o’ grass,
Pretendin’ no bugger’s starin’ at me arse.
Sun’s right behind me, glowing bright —
Great. Now I’m backlit like a bloody spotlight.
I picked this spot wi’ proper care:
Tall grass, gold light, the perfect glare —
A place where not a soul could see,
The sneaky, stressed-out side o’ me.
I matched the meadow shade for shade.
A camo masterpiece nature made.
Blendin’ in like a proper pro…
Then you rock up. Of f*cking course.
You crouched like some deranged raccoon,
Wi’ that massive lens lookin’ like a bleedin’ cartoon.
Clicking away like, “Wow! A deer!”
No sh*t, pal — why’re you stood so near?
I froze that hard I near-passed out.
Thinkin’, don’t make me bark an’ shout.
One twig snaps wrong under your shoe.
An’ I’m leggin’ it like, “Nah mate, “F**k this. I’m through.”
Ov course — you’ll shove us online soon,
Captioned “Shy Deer Int Afternoon.”
And there I’ll be — your viral hit —
While I’m mutterin’, “For fook’s sake, not this shit.”
In’t future, when I dip back down into all this green,
Just give us peace, eh? Like I were never seen.
So go on — share your precious shot…
Just tag me as “The Deer Who Absolutely Did Not Want To Be Caught.”